What to Do!!!!?????

Right now I am in a pickle. I just got back my results from my last math test and they were not very encouraging. I was surprised because I understood everything on the test and did all of my math properly. After going back and looking at the ones I got wrong I saw that one of them was a stupid mistake and that to others dyslexic. Then I noticed that two other problems were wrong because I had not rounded them. I thought back and remembered asking my teacher whether or not I needed to round something if the problem did not specifically say to. She had said not and so I made sure to read all of my math problems through to make sure they were or were not asking. The two I got wrong did not say to round. I asked my teacher about it and she said something like, "Even if they do not tell you to, you still need to round". I reminded her that she had told me not to, but she seemed to not take that into account. She just blamed in on the test being unclear. This frustrated me because I would have gotten a high grade if I had understood this. I really wish she would see this. It makes me angry, but I want to respond in the right way. Is it wrong for me to go to someone else and explain the situation for should I just leave it as is. It was not a supper bad grade, but those four missed points would make a big difference. I just needed to get out my thoughts.

It Was Never Meant to Be This Way

In 2006 I spent three months in a little country in Africa called Swaziland. At that point in time it was stated that almost half of the population was infected with HIV/AIDS. When I went there I was expecting to see the devastation that this disease was causing, but in truth I saw very little of it. In that country, it was considered shameful to have the disease and so they would hide those who carried it. This does not mean, however that I did not see any of it. You did not have to see the physical affects to know that something was terribly wrong with the people. You could see it in the eyes, in the way people walked and it the way they built their lives. There was a weighed down sort of atmoshere, and the depressing part was that there was nothing these people could do to escape it.
I also saw how the selfishness of others lead to the breakdown of the country. Let us be blunt and honest. The spread of HIV/AIDS is caused by people not willing to practice self-control. Their concern is not for the well being of the people they get into bed with; it is for what they can get out of the moment of pleasure. It is this kind of attitude that has triggered the death of the country, and it has left much pain, sorrow, hunger, and suffering among its people. This is what I came into contact with while I was there: the after affects.
Being in a situation like this is very intimidating. You feel very small and lacking. You try to help as much as possible, but you still feel like a drop in the ocean at times. One day I was sitting on a hill talking to God and I asked him, "Father, why do you allow the innocent to suffer, and the guilty to walk free?". I already knew the answer to the question, but I was having a hard time understanding the reason behind it. I know that suffering came about by sin. If it were not for the sins of the people suffering would have not place, but what I could not understand how so often the ones who did no wrong were handed such grief. I sat and waited for a reply and it came.
His answer, "Ellen, I see the sin you speak of at its most disgusting point. You are just scratching the surface with your awareness. I see it all every hour of the day and night; my face is never hidden from it, and I hate it was much as you do. I do not like to see them suffer, but you need to understand this world is going some place; it will not last forever, and all that is happening in the world is leading up to that point. All of this must come to pass if the story is going to have a happy ending. Ellen, I have been here for all time; there is not end to me, therefore I have remembered all of the injustice that has been done in the world, and I have not forgotten a single one. One day I will come back and hold everyone accountable for the sins they have inflicted on others. They will be paid in full for the magnitude of their actions, and it will not be a pretty sight. I hate to wait; I have been waiting since the beginning of time to bring you all back to me, but now is not the right moment. Ellen, will you wait with me?"
All of this flashed in my mind and I understood. Yes the innocent will be rewarded for their endurance someday. Therefore I will do my part to stand by them as much as I am able,and give them the support they need to make it to that day.

Try

Today, like all Fridays, was my day to teach my dance classes, but this time it was different. My friend, Ava, needed someone to take over Jr Hip hop warm up and also teach the adult Hip hop class. She had been sick all week and was very weak. When I got the message I thought, "what!? I can't do that! I am not a Hip hop teacher! I can learn Hip hop but I CANNOT teach it." Needless to say, I did not want to do it, but my friend needed help, and I could not refuse. I said yes and waited with quaky knees for Friday to come. As you can see, Friday came and is almost gone. I now lay in bed thinking of how well the day went. Both classes went just fine. I did not have anything to worry about.
As I think about my attitude throughout the day, I cannot help but feel a little ashamed. I remember telling myself after I said yes to Ava that I could not believe that I was inadequate. I had to believe that I could teach the class. Not because I had the power, but because it was what God was calling me to do. He wanted me to help Ava. I was still nerves, but I was trying to trust him. At times that was hard, and that is why I felt guilty. Now that I can sit back, I am truly thankful that God does not give up on us even when we chose to not trust him. I am so weak at times, and all I can cry is, "have mercy on my, I am human." He does have mercy; he did not wait for us to get our act together before he came to earth to die for us. No, while we were in the deepest part of our shame he came and took our place. I still have hope for tomorrow, and so I will keep trying!

Who are We?

For a bit of time I have been thinking about the poem "Those Winter Sundays." It hits me in a different way the more I thought about it. It made me think about who we are as people.
In my life there have been times that I have failed to see the good that others have done for me, but at the same time I never missed when they would get in my way. Through time I saw how it was because of my selfishness that I did not see. This realization brought much shame and sorrow. As a follower of Christ, my goal is to live my life outside of myself for the benefit of him and others, but my true nature always seems to find a way to pull me back. This makes me realize that I cannot achieve my goal on my own. I cannot fix a problem that is apart of my me. I need help from someone else. I cannot look to other men because then also struggle with life's toil. So where can I go to be saved from myself?
Many people will say that they do not want to trust in God because he does not understand the plight of man, but how can this be true if God was the one to create both male and female. He made us, so therefore, he must understand how we work. He placed it in us in the first place. Can I say to him, "you do not know me"? It is true that sin has warped our true nature, But does that mean that God cannot understand us? If he is the founder of understanding do you think he would lack it in this matter? No, he understands and he wants to give us a way out and a second chance. I can trust him to save me, and change me into someone that can see the good that others do for me and be thankful.
"Those Winter Sundays" is sad because it speaks of the sorrow one experiences how foolishly they have acted towards the truth. Does this person wish they could go back? Most likely, but they can't. All they have is there lose and the weight of their guilt. I have had this in my life, but with God, even it my biggest failure I can always have hope of a new day and a second chance to change.

Wake!

This morning in class Ms Frailly made us write a poem. I will be honest,I was not looking forward to this. In the past when ever I have tried to write anything poetic I end up just sitting and looking at a blank sheet of paper. I figured I would not do much better in her class. I was wrong. I was actually able to write a whole page, and I do not think it sounded to bad. It helped to hear her read a poem first to get the feel of it. It got me excited. I never thought I would be able to do something like this. I am wake to it now!
Other news of the day, I AM SICK OF THIS PAPER!!!!!! You would think that since I have come through English 111 that I would be better at this whole writing thing. I am not. I still get stressed out and stuck! I still want to run away, and I still sometimes wish I was somewhere else! At the same time I wish I had more time to work on it. I always feel like I can do more to my work to make it better.
Today we worked on style and editing. I was glad to have someone new read it. She caught a lot of things that others did not. I am very grateful to her. Now I am in the library trying to clean this paper up. It is hard to sit in this chair for so long. The sad thing is that I have not been here very long! I need to get back to work.
It helped to just write it out.

Poetry

Tonight I started reading the sections in my lit book concerning poetry. I will admit, even though I knew poetry had a lot of feeling in it, it did not strike me as being so focused on feeling. I thought it was interesting how poetry is feeling condensed. The writer is trying to put all their feeling in a short space. Every word, therefore, every word has screams with meaning. I can remember times in my life when I was feeling very deeply about something and I wished to get it out. I would take out my diary and try to write something that dripped with what I was feeling. I never really did feel very satisfied with the end results. Therefore, I have a deep respect for those that can do it.
Poetry is so beautiful. I truly wish I could write it. It makes me think, I believe that every person has some form of poetry existing in their life, but so many times they do not realize it is there. In order to get it out you do not need to necessarily need to write it out. For me, I find that it comes out when I dance. That deep inner part of me comes out when I hit the dance floor. For some it might be cooking or painting; it can also be seen in architecture, music, inventions; anything that brings out the heart of a person. If we all learned how to get it out this world would not be so stressed. It also shows just how special every single person is. There is not two people that are completely alike. Wow, I have gone off on a journey of thought! Oops:-)

Work in Progress

I just got done reading through my draft and making changes. I must say that it really helped to staple the sheets together in one long scroll so that I could see how it all lays out. I have found that one of the reasons I do not like rereading my drafts it because my computer screen is so small, and it is hard for me to get an understanding of how it flows. I made some changes for the order that I will write it and did a little editing.
I feel bad. This morning I woke up and saw that it had snowed. My first thought was, "there will me not school today". OH NO! I can't miss SCHOOL! I have so much I need to learn! How am I going to get this paper done right if I cannot learn how to do it! I kept checking Blackboard and my email and this blog to see if Ms Frailly had written any instruction on what we should do today; nothing. I see that this kind of situation is good. Now is the perfect time to learn to apply all I know on my own. It really is what we all are supposed to be doing. I guess the reason I do not like to is because I feel like my life depends on this grade sometimes. Really, this is not the point. I came to college to learn, not make good grades. The grades are just a reflection, and yes, they are what other schools will look at to see if I am a good student, but it I am just trying to use what I am taught how can that put me to shame? So, needless to say I sat back and enjoyed the fact that we did not have school today, and used what I had learned from last class to work on what I was doing. I feel better knowing that I have a better handle on what I am doing!