Steadfast

The end of the semester is in sight, and with it comes the final crunch to sum up this past years knowledge quest. I have not written in a long time, but much has been on my heart. The end of this semester is very hard for me right now. Once again, I find myself struggling to stay strong. Worry and doubt push through my defenses and feast on my mind. All of this makes me want to run and hide. This makes me ashamed because I am the type of person that will always stand and fight, but now my strength is crumbling; I have not the will to stand anymore. I am tired.
I was reading in James this evening. How often I seem to skim the beginning.
"Count it all joy my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4
I have memorized and recited this verse many times, and in the past it has brought me much strength and joy, but tonight God should me something different. I used to focus on the part that talks about "meeting trials of various kinds". It reminded me to not be downhearted when they come, but today my heart stopped on the word "steadfastness".
What does it mean to be steadfast? To not be moved, to not be affected, to abide by the truth? What do I want to be? Life is not going to get any easier; it will only get harder, but am I willing to open myself up truth of God's heart? I have the choice to take the trials and let Him strengthen me to stand. Very little of what he is doing makes sense, but he is good, and he knows what I can take.
Opening myself up to Him is a hard thing. I am letting my desire go and allowing him to touch the softest parts of my heart. Without trials I cannot learn how to be steadfast; I will have nothing to learn to stand against. I must trust that God knows what he is doing. He is not in my life to squash me every time I do something wrong. He is hear to give life; in this life and the next. Overcoming trials is apart of it, because without it we will never learn to rest in him, and in the end standfast.