I Think

I think last nights musings were do to the fact that I really need a break, but with the way this semester has gone I do not feel that even spring break will provide much comfort. I also was feeling overwhelmed with my assignments from ACA class. I must say that right now I do not like my teacher. Deep down inside this is not true. I just tiered of the pressure of doing her homework. I know that she does not assign it to be mean; she is just trying to get us to learn, but sometimes I just wish she would understand!
I do not want to be angry at her or anyone for that matter. Like the poem said: " I am just tired". I need to work on homework.

I Am Tired

I am tired.
My body told my head today that it was so.
I am tired of the push.
I am tired of the climb.
I am tired of this endless laps in time.

Get up, get dressed, get food, get going!
Don't stop to breath, don't stop to think,
Don't stop to care, don't stop to share,
Must keep running, must keep drumming
The endless dirge of life.

And if you stop to feel the figure points its judgment back on you.
You said this is what you wanted.
Why do you give less?
I AM TIRED OF BEING HUNTED!
I NO LONGER WANT TO GIVE THE GUESS!

In my push to stay alive I see how others seem to thrive.
How they do I cannot tell.
I am still stuck inside a cell.
Its walls are cold; my spirit is damp.
I wish for the warmth of a flickering lamp.

I am tired!
The wave crashed in again.
I am tired of being the only one.
Does anybody understand?!
No!

The butter is to soft my dear.
There is not enough for all that bread.
Even if you scrape it thin.
Can't you see I am turning GREEN!
And now I no longer make sense

Because I am TIRED!

Hello Again

I am back, and this time the sun is shinning! In class today, we continued to watch Hamlet. I also handed in my draft. It was a mess, but at least I have something written down that I can work with. At this point I am starting to get sick of Hamlet. It seems to be all I can think about at times. My thoughts, however, are starting to make sense. I will see what I can do on my paper this afternoon.
After class today, Holly and I stayed a minute to talk with Ms Frailly. She helped me understand more to the layout of the assignment. Apparently my thesis statement is my opinion on the play, and not what Shakespeare is trying to say and my opinion on it. This makes matters a whole lot easier. I really did not know how I was going to fit it all in there. I also noticed that when I was trying to write in that focus I went off in a whole lot of rabbit trails.
With this in mind, here is my focus; I believe Hamlet did over set the bounds of his destiny as well as others. Whether or not Shakespeare meant to show it, the consequences of his actions is seen in the end of the play by the deaths of those closest to him. It is all very sad.

Good Morning!

In these past few hours my heart has been open to the voice of God. They say that the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. Unfortunately I have let the wrong kind of fear take hold. It is the kind that makes you run from him when you think you have done something wrong. This is just the kind of fear that Satan has a field day on. "Stay away, stay away," he whispers in your ear, but in reality that is the worst thing you can do. In doing this you think that life will be easier, but it is not; it is harder.
I forget so often the power of Christ bloody sacrifice. He live a perfect life in order to give me freedom from my sin and victory over temptation and trials. But, I am like a horse that has been tethered for so long that I forget that I have the freedom to run. The gate has been opened but I am still standing by the fence.
In the book of Hebrews, the writer speaks of the freedom we have in Christ and how he has become our High Priest because of his sacrifice. It ends by saying that we should approach the throne of grace, therefore with confidence in order to receive mercy in our time of need. If there is anything that I can do that is right in my sine it is to run to God in order to take part in his mercy. He paid the full price; I cannot take it for granted.

God Save

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

THESIS!!!!

Okay, so I have been working most of the afternoon on this paper and I kind of have a thesis. I am also coming along with the outline of the paper! PRAISE THE LORD! I prayed for understanding and I got it. Part of me wishes it would have come sooner, but at the same time I am just glad it is finally starting to make sense. I have to say that this draft is going to be more like an outline. YUCK! I hate it when I can't hand in a good assignment, but the truth is I have been busting my brain over this play ever since we started reading it! It is only now the few days before that it started to clear. But I must not complain. This is just the beginning and I still have a good bit of time to make it all work. It is going to take a lot of hard work, but I must meet this challenge. I have not fallen yet, by the grace of God, and I do not believe he will let me down. I just need to be faithful to work my hardest.
What is hard is that I do not have as much time to work on this assignment. I feel bad for saying this, but I feel like my home life can get in the way at times and pull me down. I know that where I go there will always be other responsibilities on my shoulders, but I am having a hard time learning how to cope. Part of it is my fault. I could spend more time doing school, but sometimes I am just so tired that I cannot think. In the end I feel guilty for taking a break because I always take longer then what I should and I do not get as much done as I need. I am still fighting with myself to just stay disciplined. I feel ashamed. I just can't do it, and I feel like I am letting God down when I choose to not stay on top of things. I also feel like I am letting my teachers down and my study partners and myself.
I keep thinking back to last semester. I cannot believe how hard I worked, but at the same time it was understandable. Once again it was fear that fueled all of my pushing. It was my first big semester in college and I thought I was going to do awful. In the past school had been very hard for me, and I thought I would not make it to college. I felt trapped, because there is not much you can do in life without a college education. I wanted to be something in the world, but felt that I had no means of getting there academicly. I was so thankful that I could get into spcc, but I still did not know if I could make it. I believed that God was saying it was time to go to school, but I did not know what the outcome would be. When I walked into Ms Frailly's class I wanted to run and hind. She was going to be hard. I could not run away though; to do this would be running away from my future and I could not let fear make me give it up. What would I do if I dropped out? I said, but never felt comfortable the entire semester. This year is a little better, but I am not pushing as hard because I am not so afraid and that scarse me.
Man am I weird!

Update

I did not get to work as much on my paper today as I was hoping. I am trying not to get stressed. I have thought a great deal about it, and I finish the story as well. With the end comes new ideas and thoughts. I have been writing them down, but still do not have an clear format. I think tomorrow I will reread the assignment and see if that helps. I am so thankful that I am at least getting ideas finally. I was really stuck earlier.
There has been one thing on my mind that has really bugged me ever since we started watching the film in class. I read the text, listen to it and watch different versions of the play performed. I will say that so far the version that Ms Frailly has shown in class has been very accurate, but there are some things in it that I do not agree with. Life for instance, the character of Polonius. According to the film, he is also a slimy person, and that is why he gets along so well with the king, but I do not know if I agree with this. In certain scenes you see how badly he treats his daughter, Ophelia, and you wonder if that was truly what the play was like. I do not think he was such an evil old man, but I am afraid that no one will see this and therefore not understand my paper. I need to study the text more to back up my argument.
I am tired.

Brain Storm

Ever since the end of Wednesday's class have been racking my brain in trying to know how to start writing. So far I have just been putting down my thoughts, and this has helped. I just do not know how to organize it all. I also am having a hard time knowing how to pull out key points. I feel silly saying such things. It just goes to show you how much of a perfectionist I am. Well, it is not really perfectionism, it is just the fear of falling behind and having to spend 24 hours awake with no sleep.
This is exactly how I felt my first semester in English class. I was so afraid that I would fall behind and get a bad grade that I worked on my papers night and day. The hard work paid off, but it took a hard tole on my body. This semester has been a bit easier, but I am still afraid that because I do not have the same kind of fear to drive me that I will not have the discipline to get my work done. All of these feelings have have had a rather negative affect on my performance. I get intimidated and do not want to start. Nevertheless, I have been trying to work through. I am not doing the best at it, but I at least keep going.
With Hamlet, for instance, this is the first time I have been absolutely clueless about where to start. I do not understand how to argue any of the points on the topic sheet. I picked the 4th one because I thought I saw some connections, but it is still pretty tricky. I just need to keep writing. It would help if I could read some examples. They always get me thinking.

Still Far From Over

So the last time I wrote I was having a hard time with time itself. It is funny though, even though I was upset with the fact that times was running on it is still reassuring that hard moments in time do not last forever. Therefore, my life might be dragging me through the mud, but that does not mean that I will always be in this same position. Time always changes things, whether they be good or bad. The encouraging thing is that if I live my life to God and not time I will never be disappointed.
At the moment, life is still not easy. Time is still running to fast for me, but within the past few days things have gotten a little better. I was really stressed out about this paper that we have been assigned. I was not understanding how I needed to start, and so I felt overwhelmed. Going to class on Monday really help, however. Ms Frailly went over the different topics we could write about again, and this time it made more sense. What helped me the most was when she said to start asking questions about the text. This is what helps bring out the thesis, and therefore, the backbone of the argument. I sat down with Amber after class and we both did this. Then we watched the second act of Hamlet. I was not able to really get much, but it was a step forward.
Praise God for always being there to help me out.

Time!

I sit at my desk today in the midst of rain and fear. Why must my spirit have to fight so hard to have faith when my body is beat to the dust in fatigue? With every rain drop that falls, another minute in time hits the earth and is gone. My life seems to be on its way down the storm drain!
This semester started like every semester in my life began. Everything had its place; life was all simplicity. Just follow the pattern and in the end your these pieces of cloth will be a ball gown; sounded and looked easy enough! But oh, you did not cut these pieces right, must do it again; your stitches are not correct, must rip them and redo. In an attempt to get the product right, I have lost sight of the purpose. The point of learning is not to get the grade, but to gain knowledge! I am not being loaded assignments for the sake of pleasing my teacher; it is for the sake of knowing and applying. Therefore, my heart must not be dismayed in the new quest before me, but my heart still holds fear. I do not feel ready! Understanding has run through the streets of my mind in search of answer; it has found no home. I am lost and I do not know where to go to get on track. Time is still ticking on!
I look at Hamlet and I do not know where to begin. It is beautiful and full of meaning, but I do not get the concept, so what do I do. I understand what is happening in the story, but I do not know how to channel it into my own interpretation. Until then nothing of mine is down on paper, and the semester will not wait for me to collect my thoughts. I am all for the learning process, but with deadline breathing down my neck it gets hard to breath my thoughts out. I am not trying to raise complaint. Without the time goal all projects would never come to fruition.

God, you are the founder of understanding! Nothing can live apart from you; even the ways of man. Please help me to understand and execute what I know. I cannot do this on my own. You be my strength; I will wait.

Hamlet

For the past week or so, I have been reading, listening and watching Hamlet. I must say that I am really enjoying it. The words that Shakespeare used in this play have so much power and feeling. He really captures the soul of his character. Because it is so deep, I feel that I have just begun to grasp the text. There is still so much that I do not see.
This morning I read over the assignment requirements, and it hit me: this is going to be a really hard paper. I like the challenge, but I do not like the time crunch, especially with something as complex as Hamlet. I have not even read the whole thing yet, so I feel like I am starting in the dark. I know that I have said this with all of my papers, but I truly think that this is going to be the hardest I have ever written! I wish I had more time to get to know the play. I just need to start eat, sleep, and breath Hamlet for the next couple of weeks! OOOUUGGH! The more I think about it the more overwhelmed I become. Time ticks on and my life seems to drain away in learning as fast as I can. I do not want to live my life in the shadow of deadlines. Otherwise I will never see life in the right light.

This is How I Feel!

Stay Awake!
By Ellen Brown



Alone again within the night.
My spirit screams, I run in fright
Why must it always be this way?
That I am up slaving tile break of day.

For once, just once can I find rest,
Not have to bare this ignorance!
As time ticks on and life unfolds,
Like rushing wave with not control.

My heart breaks down and spirit sighs,
Why do all people play with lies.
They do not protect; they only wound,
They leave not hope for future good.

I sit here lost and full of shame,
What kind of witness to His name?
There is the map, there is the road,
But will He want my sagging load?

If that were true there’d be no sign,
Of direction to His Glory Vine.
There would not be that spark of Hope,
That makes me look beyond the smoke.

Up above this world so high,
I am the apple of His eye.
And yes, I fell off of my bike,
But must push past the comfort trike,

Must face the truth yet once again,
Must trust the payment for my sin.
Must keep in walking up hills so tall,
But not with strength I’ve gain at all!

I still sit here in cover of night,
The room is cold, the lamp is bright.
The empty space not gone away,
But it is clear He’s here to stay,

And from within the trumpet cries,
Heralding the truth from lies!
What once was lost has now been found,
There is not doubt I will not drowned.

AAAAHHHHHHGGGGGG!

How I wish time would stop! I feel so shallow for saying it, but that is what I truly wish. What do you do when your brain gives out on you? It is one thing to push through when the obstacles you face are on the outside of you, but when the negative forces are at work within it is a whole different story. I just cannot seem to push through! I try to sit down and work on this but nothing comes out and I end up getting more confused. I try to clear my head but I end up spending to much time doing other things. Time is running out and the more I try to write the less sense I make. I am starting to scare myself because my will does not want to push anymore! I feel like I have lost the plot for life itself!
I think of the Psalms, how so often David was might by problems far greater then what I face. He would also cry of his fear and depression, but in the end he always had hope. This is a great encouragement to me even though I do not feel it at the moment. Time will keep going, and it will always change things. This moment in time will pass and I will be brought to new places in life, and face new challenges, but it I put my hope in the LORD all will be made right in his good time. So I what for it in the stillness of the night. I will always have the hope that he will bring the morning.

THESIS!!!

You would think that after writing all of these papers I would have a handle on how to write a good thesis, but I do not. I have been trying to conger up something suitable and it does not seem to be working out. Now I am tried and trying not to become overwhelmed!